when the metal got heavier....

  One day a friend of mine was playing this really interesting remix of a linkin park song... I am not a big fan of linkin park, except for those few popular and nice songs. They are good musicians i have to agree but they weren't as appealing to my musical appetite. Nu-metal was a strict NO NO to me till about 3 years ago. Linkin Park did lead me to this side of music, but i started exploring heavier music. Pandora helped me to dig more into this side of metal, Through Pandora Rage came back into my life. Rage against the machines their heavy base lines, powerful riffs, the fx-pedals and Zach De la rocha's reggae-rage voice. They were perfect, some of their tracks like "Wake up", "Testify" and "Killing inn the name of" give a new perspective on life. Some think its just angry music that makes you wanna kill people but there is more in the music than anger, there are questions, there is protest and there is rebellion. My idea of Rebellion used to be Nirvana... but RATM changed it for me.

   Rage was my new favorite now, their loudness was melodic, through a pandora channel on RATM, i started listening to more of similar Artists like The offspring, Chevelle, KORN, One day as a Lion, audioslave(obviously) etc. I started liking this loud music now, suddenly after a week i realized i hadn't the Zepps or Who or any of those in a while, that was a sign. I kept listening to more of RATM and after a long time i heard "Freak on a leash" by korn on the radio. Earlier i only heard the unplugged version of it featuring Amy Lee from Evanasence. Weired but yes i wasn't never much into Korn, So this song was new thing for a day or two. Like the previous patterns i explained, I heard Korn - Live and Rare.... A very nice concert. I realized they did have a good style of music, Heavy Base lines, Unique fx, Steely-drumming and amazing vocals, the growls, the pitches, the sway in the voice.

 Yes i was now a fan of Korn, one thing led to another and i heard their version of "Another brick in the Wall" originally performed by Pink floyd. A Beautiful song, very personal to Roger Waters, And korn added more Rock to it. It is only but unfair to compare the Pink floyd version and this one. I don't even want to get started on that. So my respect for Korn was pretty high right now. Ok this is when things fall into place. I was following some Korn news on the net, and it read Korn was making this whole new dubstep Album, I was like wow, that is BOLD. I started looking for leaks for their album's songs, and turned out Jonathan Davis- their lead singer had posted a small sample of a song called Get up on "grooveshark.com". I checked it out and it was interesting,  I got more curios of this 'dubstep', I thought for a while and it hit me that the Linkin Park song i heard a few months ago was actually a dubstep mix of "what I've done", I started looking for it. I found a couple of hits on youtube, and it didn't take me too long to find the right mix. 

   That was when i started exploring 'dubstep', it was unique, it wasn't like electronic, or trance, or club or hip-hop. I haven't had a chance to describe how much i dislike those kinds of music, but anyway, dubstep has been described as "tightly coiled productions with overwhelming bass lines and reverberant drum patterns, clipped samples, and occasional vocals". I was infatuated with this kind of music, I realized there are very few dubstep-rock songs unless people take the pain to remix it. 

My hunger to find more of that kind grew and google gave me this website called 8-tracks as a solution.

8-tracks is this website vaguely based on a the idea of a mixed tape. 8-tracks per side, hence 8-tracks. This website features playlist's uploaded by users. Like mixed tapes available online. It was perfect except for unlike pandora you cannot dislike a track or an artist. I found a classic rock dubstep remix playlist on this site, it was perfect, it has songs by nirvana, AC/DC, pink floyd, Police, Journey, Foreigner and so on. This website, like yotube, has a related playlist's feature, and thats how i kept on exploring more of dubstep. This website is one of the best things that happened to me int he year of 2011....

So from Linkin Park, to Rage, to Korn, to dubstep to 8tracks........

Through 8tracks i was exposed to classical dubstep which was super interesting, they were dubstep mixes of classical songs featuring Mozart, Beethoven and more. This site had amazing playlist's of classic rock songs, I got to hear of bands i would've probably not ever encountered like The Mars Volta, BCC, more of rush, UFO and many more.

This journey with nu-metal which led me to heavier metal, which introduced me to dubstep and led me to 8tracks, has been an amazing journey and am proud that by the end of the day my loyalty towards classic rock hasn't changed and have managed to broaden my musical horizon.

This is the end. A beautiful experience.

I open the door and step inside, Inside my head, and i find white light... I dont think so.. This is my life and this is as good as it gets, there are no seminars of self enlightenment that will help you, there is nothing static nor is there anything unique.. It is the same decaying society and its getting wasted every along with every second of this life that is defined by my worldly materialistic or scholastic achievement. All i have been trained to do all my life is adapt.... adapt to whatever it takes to survive. If your short of money, work. If your short of luck, make luck. If your clueless, get a fuckin clue.
Adaption is THE KEY TO SURVIVAL. Every bright second of this dark day is shook by winds of change, rattling the leaves of patience. Sometimes i feel iv'e lost my niche. I forget who i am, where i stand. Am i the same person who wakes up every morning to the same sun. Am i the guy who thanks all Gods for whatever they've given every morning. Am i the same happy-go-lucky cashier? Am i the over-charging evil guy who works at the store? Am i an irresponsible boyfriend? A true friend? A good lover? A brother? A son? A smoker? A Joker?
Who am i? Do i let myself go and just leave things, let the chips fall wherever. Do i let course of nature define me or do i decide what course my life takes?
How right am i about how things are going to be, Am i too optimistic or too pessimistic. Am i worried or am i just too laid back?
Do i let the nerd take over, do i let the grown up in me take over do i just live like a chameleon!
Everything doesn't need to have an answer, every road doesn't have a destination, no matter how pleasant the drive is. My nerves resonate with my thoughts and my voices start to echo in my own blank head, when i start trying to look for all answers...
maybe i should take it one at a time. Feels like am going in 'repeat'. Reasoning things sometimes is not the right way, just trust your instincts and oh! also what i tell....

I am starting to get more vulnerable deliberately. I try to give off this strong and relaxed outlook with a lot of effort now, It used to be something which came to me without any effort. I have urges to spontaneously explode now... Head as light as a feather, nothing sometimes feels to be getting better. I unwillingly coincidentally have constantly been landing in the same situation. I feel as painful as being hanged upside down from the roof, but some part of me is enjoying this head rush and some part is fighting out. The deeper am digging the more its bleeding, but this pain is sweet rather than bitter. An inconvenient truth for me to live with and lie about.
I see this beauty queen for sale in a window, shining and smiling, but once i buy her, I will have no one to hate anymore except for me. It is a catch-22 situation as one would describe. And for those who are wondering, the beauty queen i am talking about is not some girl, I am more materialistic.... Come on......
Plus i am a one woman man ;)
Ok... There are so many things trapped inside my head, my head feels like my computers hard disk now, heats up every time i try to access more files from my directories. And trust me the last save point is way long ago to restore the system. I've given up trying, it puts me out of most troubles. So i've learnt to try to make the most of what my RAM has, that is., short term memory, specifically meaning present. Hmmm interesting how basic computer theory is so similar to human mentality. Well it was meant to be.
I am personally trying to create for myself this whole new dimension where everything around me is perfectly in harmony with myself. Like a great man once said "Never under estimate three things. I, ME and MYSELF"
I am not gonna try to too hard to do something bombastic. I am probably gonna wait for it to happen. Coz i have discovered you cant change the course of events no matter what. For all that i know, i might just be blowing things out of proportion, but according to my own experience i am not the type to intentionally do that. I Will have the final laugh, i'll steal it if required. I am a tough kid brought up in the streets of hyderabad. Please catch my drift. I am evil, Yes i am. Do not get me into action coz i'll strip you to the bone.
I shall keep wandering and colliding head on with my own demons, demons who i thought were my friends. Late better than never. This battle continues.....

The ring of the register now haunts me... I hear it going on and on at times, the same routine i've been set into... the worst thing is i am starting to like it, and i think i am good at it.. I guess its MONEY that has corrupted me. Have i become what i always dreaded, a comprise in life just to make some Vitamin-M. Making money turns into some kind of fad in your life, a fad that lasts forever...and ever and ever............ A parasite i've become to the sweet materialistic happiness associated with the flow of this unholy "vitamin". Money is a hit, and you cannot deny it...Everyone likes it. Its like one of those viral songs/videos but the only thing is, it is NOT one of THEM. It is what defines them.
Money, they say is the root of all evil today. But is it...? Doesn't it also give solutions to most your problems. You have a constant worry on your head till you dont have it. You get money you get stuff that makes you happy. How does it be evil then? If you got money there'd be bells going on for you every where you lay foot on. There are no boundaries to the stuff you could do with it. But over the years it has created a division. A division which could as simple and as clear as "Is the grass green in your backyard?". Think of it as what separates you from thy neighbour. They say as you grow bigger other things look smaller and that is what money does to you.
It makes you neglect smaller things, it makes you look at people in a different way, it makes you act like a..As i would describe a "Douchebag".
Desire and ambition are no longer what drives men. Its Money.
We need to see a bigger picture, we need to see that there is thing beyond the greenery of grass. There is more than things in walmart or your local shopping mall.
There is purity, there is love, there is compassion and for everything else my friend... There is fucking mastercard.

M | W

Past is past... Sometimes memories fade in and fade out.... Like a biker passing by... And suddenly gone.... And at times these memories are gone for so long. World pays back for all the misery it puts you through, I hope so. A slightest clue of absence of control and there is chaos in life. Struggling like crazy against decisions and questions. Belief is something.. and i miss it. So much dirt on me, so many cobwebs that have formed over what i was. Its like i've forgot the password for clarity and peace. I think about more than i forget.
I have always observed things have only kicked me when i was already down on my knees. People so gray you cant judge them, like looking through the peephole and falling for a thief who dressed up as the pizza guy. I have started to think i dont need love any more. Love when i say, I mean not just a partner but love when I refer to is the love to the world, society, cultures, ethics or just bare compassion. Cause my friend, disappointing someone is far more easier than making someone happy. So I've decide to stop trying so hard. That doesn't mean I am weak or am a coward. I think I already have enough things to trouble myself with, other than the pain of making someone who doesn't want to be happy, happy. It has become such a big task to come up to the stature of "Holding head up high" in the society. The definition and requirements for that stature is very complex and 'stone-age'd. I wish everyone could live to the standards they have set up for themselves. I don't mean to say, that one lives like a hobo, but you know what I mean.
I wish, that the voices in my head are always right. Imagine how nice would that be. Every decision being RIGHT. I have no clue how that would even be like. I guess our mistakes define us. I guess I am going to be left with the wrongs i did. These wrongs have made me the Man I am now, they helped me grow into my shoes. I tried my best to be what i am, i guess that satisfaction is a check for me. I keep making sure things are in accordance to my perception of 'Its alright'. I have seen promises and words break in front of me, things going from "Oh! shit" to "Holy f*%$ing crap". Keeping up with changes made the dinosaurs disappears and us humans being mammals of higher intelligence have learnt to cope up with changes and now it has become a part of our instincts. That is what i think helps us being in peace with our decisions or past or most things that we may not like or miss.
What did i learn from all of these, all the things that have happened over the recent past, you can't make peace stay, you have to struggle for it. Earn it, no matter how much dirt you get on you, no matter if you're pounded down to pulp. We are born pretenders, we can do anything possible. Mistakes and wrongs are to learn from......

Been there done that... been the bad man.. been hated and fated for hiding the truth... conscience is long gone boss.. cant understand is it vengeance or penance i seek... my fist clenches in agony but the best i can do is to keep my cool and crack it open instead of acting like a fool... Feel like putting a finger down my throat and taking the pain off....as sugegested by "Who" is this what life is... is life all about partial truths and white lies.... is it all about making decisions...

I find it rather hard to keep up with responsibilities, does that necessarily mean am a coward.. i guess i just down wanna grow up anymore... i dont want these days to just go by trying to living upto other's expectations.... i wanna rise out of myself first before i rise upto them....could've been easier on me if you can pretend as the person i wanted you to be instead of you forcing me to be the person you want me to be..... forgot the taste of "carefree"ness.....

Whats rising within me i dunno, neither do i know what i need and what i want... i just keep regressing the name i brought to myself... as days go by everything is striking me back like a boomerang... dunno whom to trust and whom do i not.... and what do i trust the person with...??!!

Wounds i've taken and given...all of them,everything is coming into account now, its time for the inevitable. Something, a force of some kind is drawing things towards the end... but the end of what... there are too many paths converging... insecurity strikes me big time and all my options seem only like an escape route... kicked out of my comfort zone against my will.... i cant seem to find the conspiracy cosmos is playing this time.... Fear taking over me with every breath... self control or loosing myself what seems more appropriate i have no effing clue....

Flipped inside out... I am not what i was meant to be anymore, i only see faces, i dont see people anymore.... sometimes i dont make sense but i am not gonna try to convince people who are turning their back on me... or even people stabbing me in the back....
Guess i just need to wait and see whats in store for......

patience

The god given virtue to men.... men who stand against evil, corrupted minds and girl friends..... Too many things to do.... but i guess keeping calm also has adverse effects on the opposite person, they may freak out more or maybe give up.... patience is bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. And hell yeah iv'e done all of it.... Sometime you doubt yourself... sometime you feel that is the opposite blind or just refuses to see??
I mean c'mon.......
I guess patience is what pays... is patience bearing a pain in the abdomen for 6 years or is patience waiting for an event for 3 years... or not forgetting an event for 7 years... or ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.
Whatever it maybe, it is the answer to most problems, i guess patience increases your dependence on higher influences.... higher could be anything......
Not being yourself for a whole lotta time to convince someone about the person your not requires a lot of patience too... Standing in the line of burger king or even to get a ticket to a new movie.....
Patience is the key, quietly preserve all the overwhelming anxities.....
Get up and stand up and take a vow, a vow that you shall be patient in life, do not make hasty decisions, wait for nature to take its own course and meanwhile patiently make your efforts to make that course your goal.....
Take your time, you have your whole life and you know what do you wanna do with it....