Past is past... Sometimes memories fade in and fade out.... Like a biker passing by... And suddenly gone.... And at times these memories are gone for so long. World pays back for all the misery it puts you through, I hope so. A slightest clue of absence of control and there is chaos in life. Struggling like crazy against decisions and questions. Belief is something.. and i miss it. So much dirt on me, so many cobwebs that have formed over what i was. Its like i've forgot the password for clarity and peace. I think about more than i forget.
I have always observed things have only kicked me when i was already down on my knees. People so gray you cant judge them, like looking through the peephole and falling for a thief who dressed up as the pizza guy. I have started to think i dont need love any more. Love when i say, I mean not just a partner but love when I refer to is the love to the world, society, cultures, ethics or just bare compassion. Cause my friend, disappointing someone is far more easier than making someone happy. So I've decide to stop trying so hard. That doesn't mean I am weak or am a coward. I think I already have enough things to trouble myself with, other than the pain of making someone who doesn't want to be happy, happy. It has become such a big task to come up to the stature of "Holding head up high" in the society. The definition and requirements for that stature is very complex and 'stone-age'd. I wish everyone could live to the standards they have set up for themselves. I don't mean to say, that one lives like a hobo, but you know what I mean.
I wish, that the voices in my head are always right. Imagine how nice would that be. Every decision being RIGHT. I have no clue how that would even be like. I guess our mistakes define us. I guess I am going to be left with the wrongs i did. These wrongs have made me the Man I am now, they helped me grow into my shoes. I tried my best to be what i am, i guess that satisfaction is a check for me. I keep making sure things are in accordance to my perception of 'Its alright'. I have seen promises and words break in front of me, things going from "Oh! shit" to "Holy f*%$ing crap". Keeping up with changes made the dinosaurs disappears and us humans being mammals of higher intelligence have learnt to cope up with changes and now it has become a part of our instincts. That is what i think helps us being in peace with our decisions or past or most things that we may not like or miss.
What did i learn from all of these, all the things that have happened over the recent past, you can't make peace stay, you have to struggle for it. Earn it, no matter how much dirt you get on you, no matter if you're pounded down to pulp. We are born pretenders, we can do anything possible. Mistakes and wrongs are to learn from......
